


War Gals Are Supposed to be Lonely

by inadistantworld



Category: A Crown of Candy - Fandom, Dimension 20 (Web Series)
Genre: Campaign 05: A Crown of Candy, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Past Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:54:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25162729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inadistantworld/pseuds/inadistantworld
Summary: Saccharina Frostwhip knows that she should not be hoping for a happy family, that she has things she's supposed to put before such small desires, but her family is here now and she spent so long wishing for a sister that it's hard to give up that easily.Ruby Rocks knows that she owes Jet her hatred of Saccharina, but some nights she forgets that she's supposed to feel only hatred and guilt and loneliness and sometimes she finds undeserved comfort in Saccharina's company.
Relationships: Saccharina Frostwhip & Ruby Rocks
Comments: 8
Kudos: 57





	War Gals Are Supposed to be Lonely

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still an episode behind but I really wanted to write this. No the timeline doesn't make sense and is vague on purpose because this is my coping fic and I make the rules.
> 
> Some context, I have seen quite a few posts about like...wishing for Ruby kill a bunch of people to try and get Jet back or to act certain ways about the whole thing and about, simply put, grief that never heals. Which, as an author, I understand the draw to with characters so important to one another.  
> But I am also someone who did not know about half-siblings until I was in middle school and I have very recently lost a family member to violence, so this has struck me particularly hard and I personally would like to see grief lessened with love and comfort of those around us. I am terribly angry and hurt and in pain and there is a fair amount of guilt there too, so I wanted to talk a little about how sometimes we start to heal because we have people to help us. Sorry if this isn't the kind of fic you wanted to read, but I think it might be one I needed to write.

There’s a secret hope inside her when she says it, one she’s spent a lot of time beating down because there are more important things than a family that never knew you. There’s magic and the world and this war. She decided only to care because they are useful but…Ruby is skulking around invisibly like she used to imagine a sister would do to read her diary or something, and her father is there and…well the things we shove down to ignore are not always packed away neatly.

So when she says it there’s an unfortunate amount of hope, despite the terrible impressions she keeps making with everyone and despite the fact that it _doesn’t matter_ how they like each other. It’s about usefulness.

Still.

“Honestly, it feels good to bicker because I never had a sister.” The softest smile forms on her lips.

In Ruby’s defense, she was going through her own things. “Yeah well I did and she’s dead and you can’t replace her!” And she storms off before she can even see the effect it has on Saccharina. It is probably for the best; it would have only made her angrier.

Because that is what Jet deserves. Ruby knows it in her heart. Jet deserves her anger, her resentment for this new family member who showed up so conveniently and is trying to steal Jet’s crown. Jet deserves her hot-blooded feelings and her rage at the world and her disgust at someone weaseling into their family.

Jet deserves her refusal to even _speak_ to her.

Jet deserves Ruby’s loneliness and her unyielding suffering and grief. It’s all Ruby has left in her; she has no choice but to use it to take her to her vengeance.

Jet deserves to be remembered with the anger and determination to avenge her.

And so Ruby refuses to acknowledge this woman as her King or Queen or “legal ruler” or whatever the fuck she’s saying when all Ruby can hear is the pounding of blood in her ears.

So it’s for the best she didn’t see Saccharina’s eyes sharpen in pain and then her chin lift as she remembers that her goals come first, her family last. That is how it must be.

It doesn’t ease the hurt for either of them, but it gives them time.

Saccharina is the one who shifts first. Perhaps it is less of a shift and more of a break. She had tried to hard to shutter those feelings, those cares, to remember her family means no more than any other useful stranger. It works for a time, but there’s one dig or one comment or one glare from across the room too many and she is close to understanding the word “shatter” on the most intimate level.

So she goes to Ruby, because Ruby is young and filled with rage and will not come to her first, they both know this, they all do.

She knocks on Ruby’s door and Ruby pretends not to hear, because she doesn’t want to talk to this woman. So Saccharina says, “If you do not want me to come in you can say so.”

Ruby is stubborn in her pretending, it’s too late to back down though the words “Go away!” sit heavy on her tongue.

So Saccharina opens the door. She stands there, awkwardly as she does some things, and takes a deep breath. “I am sorry for making you think I wished to replace your sister.” Ruby is already shattered, she wonders if there is any use in resisting someone stepping on the pieces of her and grinding her into dust. “When I was younger I used to think of meeting our father. Before I had a purpose like this I just wanted a family who cared for me. I would think of meeting my sisters too.”

Ruby keeps on pretending, she doesn’t care what Saccharina wanted, she doesn’t care about anything but Jet and Jet’s gone so what is the point of anything at all. She just knows if Saccharina sits next to her she’ll probably bite her. Jet would think that was funny.

“I didn’t know Jet had passed—”

“Killed. She was killed.” The words come without her even noticing. She doesn’t look at Saccharina, just keeps pretending she’s not there. But she hates when people say “passed” or “moved on”, even “died” makes her bitter. She didn’t _pass on,_ she was _murdered_. And Ruby left her to her fate. It’s why she has to avenge her.

Saccharina doesn’t flinch from the word like most others do. She’s seen enough of it; she acts sweet and kind but they both know Ruby sees that other side of her. She’s a warrior, the cherries on her shoulders are not because they look cute but because she commands a presence on the battlefield. So no, she doesn’t flinch from that word. Ruby likes that, but only for a moment before she remembers she hates her.

“I didn’t know Jet was killed until you all were on my doorstep and she wasn’t there. Even then I had hoped…my instincts were wrong. So while I have spent years deciding not to care about any of you, because I have things I must do, goals that I have to put before anything I could want for myself, meeting you…meant more to me than I intended. It is selfish of me, but I would hate to lose you too before even knowing you. I have no intention to replace your sister, I wish I could have met her. She must have been incredible for you to care so much. And I am sorry for making you think I wished to erase her memory. I know I am not your…I am not your sister, simply someone who shares blood with you, but I hope that we can remain useful to each other and perhaps one day share more than a war with one another.” Saccharina does not wait for an answer, she turns on her heel and leaves. She shuts the door behind her and all Ruby can think about is how Jet always left it open. And she cries.

It’s days later when Ruby speaks to Saccharina outside of plans and work and usefulness. “She wanted to be king. She wanted to have magic kindergartens. She was going to make Candia a better place. Don’t fuck it up.”

Saccharina nods, it’s professional but she smiles differently than she does other times, and she says, “Magic kindergarten? I will make a note of this, hopefully we can get it started soon after this mess dies down.”

They’re both awake another night. Not on purpose. Saccharina was reading by the firelight and Ruby was walking, grief so heavy on her chest that while she tried to sleep she thought she would suffocate beneath it. So she did not sleep, instead she walked. And happened upon her not sister.

She sat beside the fire, she made excuses to herself ( _to Jet_ ) of her legs needing a break and of it being convenient.

“You’re up late,” Saccharina kept reading, though perhaps a little slower now.

“Jet and I used to wander the castle at night a lot so it’s pretty normal for me.” She isn’t sure why she said anything. Saccharina doesn’t deserve to know what she and Jet did.

“I’m sure there was much to explore.” She turned a page.

“Yeah, we were looking for tunnels out of the castle most of the time. There was one that we found once where you had to pull on a suit of armor’s finger,” Ruby snorted, “Jet used to make a fart noise when she did it.”

Saccharina chuckled, “How on earth did you find that out?”

“Jet thought it would be a funny joke, we didn’t know it would work.” Ruby leaned forward and rested her elbows on her knees. “We once found a whole room of like, super old paintings and stuff, and Jet drew dicks on every single one. It was like, a full year later when someone went looking for a painting that anyone found out.”

“I’d say it increases the value, Princess Jet had worked on them as well.” Saccharina is careful not to sound too familiar with Jet, she knows how easily the conversation can shift.

“That’s what we tried to tell our mom but she was so pissed. I think she had some artist come and paint over all of them, but Jet said she would go back and do it again when everyone forgot.”

Another page turned. “Good, I’m sure they were boring paintings anyways.”

Ruby almost laughed. But she caught herself, steeled herself against the world again, and glared over at Saccharina who still was looking down at her book. “Doesn’t matter. She was killed before she could.” And she stood up and stalked away.

Saccharina didn’t look up after her, though she wanted to. She’d seen enough death so far to know that sometimes it’s better to wait for them to come to you and the talk made her feel like there was a chance they could be—she cut the thought off before she could finish it. Family didn’t mean as much as her work. She had no intention of pushing Ruby away, but Ruby had also made her stance very clear so far and it would not do to dwell and hope on it. She would simply be there if Ruby changed her mind.

Saccharina sat by the same fire the next night, and Ruby wandered by on accident again. She sat, told stories until she remembered that she was betraying her real sister by doing this. And then she would leave. And the next night she would be back. And the night after that as well.

One night Saccharina didn’t bring a book, and while she was careful not to look too eager to listen and care about her half-sisters, there was little room for doubt that she had grown comfortable with it.

Ruby did not come back for three nights.

Saccharina was still there without her book on the fourth night when Ruby found her way back to talk about Jet.

And so it became…normal.

Which felt worse than anything.

Ruby would make wild gestures while she told stories, would talk loudly and sometimes even try to do Jet’s voice, sometimes she would even _laugh_. She who had abandoned Jet, who had left her, who had not been able to do _anything at all_. She would laugh.

It was terrible. She deserved no comfort, she was not allowed to have a moment where she forgot the rage and the hunt for her vengeance, she was not allowed to find solace in sharing these stories with this…this stranger. Aren’t war gals supposed to be lonely and angry? Aren’t twins supposed to be together? Aren’t the ones left supposed to avenge those lost? Aren’t they supposed to be heartbroken?

Sometimes she cries. She’s grateful Saccharina doesn’t say anything then. And she’s grateful Saccharina doesn’t judge her for it or ask her to stay when she storms off again. Ruby is sure that if she told anyone how quiet Saccharina could be they would laugh and call her a liar, but it’s in these moments that she knows Saccharina knows war in a different way than her father does. They don’t talk about it, but she’s sure this woman has held the hands of people while they died and she’s sure she’s taken the lives of others too. And she’s sure she’s lost people. Though that doesn’t make her any better, it just makes it easier to be around at night like this.

Ruby’s grateful for the quiet, it gives her a chance to remember Jet more clearly. The Jet that Ruby remembers at night is so different from the vagueness of her rage in the day. This Jet…she is loud and laughing and her eyes always set on the future. This Jet is funny and kind and wild. The Jet in the back of her mind in the day is hard to describe. During the day when she is refusing to speak, when she is only thinking of her list and of her plans, when she is alone and grateful for it because she doesn’t want to _feel better_ she wants to be angry, that Jet is a name and a body and she is still, not full of life like these late night memories, and she is the words “murdered, killed, abandoned, regret, it should have been me, alone, forever, hate, revenge, gone” repeating over and over without pause.

It is the night Jet she misses, the daytime Jet she must avenge. Ruby knows daytime Jet by her name, but she rarely comes with _memory_ , and so her guilt weighs even heavier at night. She knows what daytime Jet wants from her, to remind her of how terrible life is without her and to remind her it’s her fault and so she must fix it. Nighttime Jet…wants Ruby to smile. And nothing feels worse when she’s done.

Still, every night she goes and tells stories and leaves just enough space between her and Saccharina for a third person to sit between them.


End file.
